Mother’s Day 2017

 

We have all had one,  whether it be for a long or a short time. You may not even remember them. They may be amazing or a nightmare, but it’s a universal truth we have all had (no, not flares!) a Mother.
In a great book an amazing man once said “Mother is the name of God on the lips of all children.”

 

When I say a book, I mean a comic and when I say a great man,  I mean The Crow. I’m  not sure he’s totally right but then again he was a dead rock musician out to avenge the brutal rape and murder of his fiancée so I would find it churlish to argue with him really. Unless he’s making the point that Gods are just as neglectful of their children as some mums can be.

which one

 

⚠WARNING THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPHS  CONTAIN  SEXUAL SCENES THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND UPSETTING!

I do think most mothers should have a day. They had to carry us for nine months but worse than that, they had sex with our dads and if you can’t imagine that or just don’t want to ….it happened! Yes that guy that taught you to ride a bike, tie your shoes, kick a football and pulled silly faces to make you laugh…pulled a silly face as he planted 50% of you in your Mum…you’ll want to get that thought out of your head as soon as possible!! (But sorry not yet).
And if that’s not bad enough,  you could have been conceived on the kitchen table or up against a wall or in the back of your Dad’s old Ford Cortina. I know that all sounds grim but let’s look on the bright side – you’re here – you made it! You’re that miracle ! You could have been stopped from being by medical science (pills, patches or implants) or ended up in the end of a condom or on the roof of your Mum’s mouth or in her hair, on her boobs or even splattered across the pages of  Razzle or Escort…and the thing is, Readers’ Wives could be mums too! (Aside, I wonder if there’s much of a market for Readers’ Mums…?)

 

Come on you didn’t think we invented all of that, did you? No. It was your Mum and Dad and their parents before them. Remember when dear old Nanny  said she always loved a pearl necklace, how Grandpa would have a knowing smile on his face …!!!

 

mess

 

You see the problem is that we think of our parents as these non-sexual beings. The weird thing is it doesn’t matter if we (their kids ) are parents ourselves, we still shudder at the thought of them at it like elderly rabbits.
We kids are the only ones that look at our parents that way.  As a teen I absolutely fancied one of my friends’ mums. So remember your Mum could be someone else’s MILF. Disturbing but true.
The thing is we don’t think of our parents like that because when we were children they were our Gods. We looked up to them and tried to live by their rules and they would give us their unconditional love and sometimes we didn’t understand or comprehend what they did for us but they did it anyway. And as kids, we practiced religious bigotry in the playground for our Gods with “my Dad’s bigger than your Dad!” and “my Mum’s better than your Mum!” – the cause of many a playground war.

 

out

 

 

Mums should have a day,  not because they gave birth but because they are mums and not just mothers. I’m not sure what the Oxford Dictionary definition for mother is but I think there is a difference.  Mother is a formal title. She is the woman that you popped out of,   but a Mum is the woman  that spits on a hanky and rubs dirt off your face (even if there is more bacteria in her saliva than in the dirt).

 

She is the one whose kisses are like morphine on the scrapes or bumps garnered from the playing about that she told you not to do, because you might hurt yourself. She’s the one that makes your dinner into a face,  telling you to give his broccoli hair a trim first in an attempt to get you to eat something green.

She’s the one that dresses you for an Arctic exploration just because there was a frost last night. She’s the one that makes you feel safe just by being in view. And she’s the one that it hurts most to disappoint, because it takes so much to do that.
So we should really celebrate Mums day because not every mother is a mum and not every mum is a mother.

 

My Mum was not my birth mother,  I was adopted,  but she was no less a mum and a great one at that. Don’t get me wrong she wasn’t Mary Poppins or Maria from The Sound of Music (my Mum’s favourite film)…the shoe she threw at me once wasn’t one of my favourite things and didn’t help the medicine go down,  but my room did get tided in the most undelightful way.

 

noise

 

My mum was funny, tough and a little crazy. She was a snob and genuinely didn’t give a fuck about what people thought of her except for the people she loved and that loved her.

 

She was a great mum and I never once felt adopted and very rarely even thought about it because  I never felt anything but hers. My Mum and Dad were white and I’m mixed race not sure what races, Afro-Caribbean and sack maybe,  or at a push egg and spoon.

 

Someone my mum had previously worked with looked into my pram once, thinking I was the product of my Mum’s womb and said sneeringly, “I didn’t know your husband was black !!” My Mum replied “He’s not, but my baby’s Dad is” and the walked off,  leaving the woman shocked and confused.

 

This was back in the fabulous racist 60s when that kind of thing was frowned upon unlike today when everyone wants or has a brown baby….strangely mimicking the popularity of tattoos across the same period.

 

brat

When I became an adult my relationship with my Mum changed even though she struggled with that. I could still see that look in her eye, telling me that she wanted to spit on a hanky and attack my face with it, long after I had left home.
We would talk on the phone often and for hours, although not by my choice!! I had many roles in my parents’ conversations,  mainly that of listening remotely or as umpire, judge and adjudicator of disagreement between my Mum and Dad as to whether the actor in that episode of Inspector Morse was still alive and  if was it Roy Kinnear. So I would have to turn on my TV and hunt for whatever side the programme was being shown on.

 
And when I did eventually find it, (that’s if it didn’t turn out to be a video Mum was watching) I would have to sit through it, waiting to see this man to answer her questions –  that’s if he wasn’t the victim of the murder right at the very beginning. Not so much a “who done it” as a “who’s he and what did he used to be in”!!!
Or I would get a gossipy call about people I didn’t know and their assorted  medical complaints.

” You know Doris at number 84…”

” No”

” Yes you do”

“No I don’t”

” The one with black cat”

” That’s not really narrowed it down much”

” She had one eye”

” Who,  Doris or the cat?”

” The cat ”

“How did it lose it’s eye?”

” Well they’re unlucky aren’t they ?… so you know who I mean?”

” No”

” Yes you do”

” No I don’t”

” You went to school with her grandson”

” How old’s her grandson ? ”

“19”

” Mum I’m 30″

“And?”

” I couldn’t have been at school with him”

” Well you went to the same school”

” Well I haven’t hung around the school much since I left 14 years ago”

” You would know her if you saw her”

“Ok what about Doris?”

” She’s dead”

“Oh. What did she die of?”

” No idea…thought you may know”

I would get calls like this on many subjects and they would drive me mad. Sometimes I would end the call quickly, simply because I didn’t want to hear about Margaret’s bunions. In fact, I was once working on a new card range, swamped with work and the phone rang. It was my Mum – she just wanted to tell me some gossip about someone I had a vague connection with (we both used shampoo or he also had a baseball cap) I just didn’t have the time,  I had too much to do, so I rushed her off the phone, with the vague suggestion I would call back later. Of course, I didn’t get around to it and that turned out to be the last time I spoke to her…

 

So yes, in summary,  Mums should have a day and if they’re still about, make a fuss of them. If not,  remember the amazing crazy person they once were.

 

best mum

Do you know what my Mum would have loved?  A card from my Etsy store. Potentially NOT the one that includes the word “cunt”, but clearly some mums love it as we’ve sold quite a few. Head on over and choose something for your mum (QUICKLY – Mother’s Day is THIS SUNDAY!) – and if you can’t see anything that’s quite right, ask us to come up with something specially for you! We bloody love a commission and if you check our reviews, you will see that our customers love what we have created for them!

 

 

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