Bacon Butties, Bonkers and Bargains

I sit here staring at the bacon sandwich I’ve just made contemplating the strange bizarre things that are bouncing  around inside my head, judging their degrees of madness by whether I would say that out loud. And whether I can get away with it on a greetings card…
I sometimes feel that my mouth to brain filter is the only thing that stops me being that guy shouting out meaningless shit at traffic from the street corner. I once saw a guy have an argument with a pedestrian crossing for 15 solid minutes. I’m not sure what it was about. Maybe he was a lollipop man that had lost his livelihood  … “coming over here taking our jobs you little green man bastard. Don’t you walk away from me with that confident stride beeping!!!”
We all have such a loose grasp of our sanity and subconsciously we all know this. We say I’m crazy about this or that drives me mad every day and we know deep down there is an element of truth in this. We all do crazy things every day big or small, serious or just silly.
Like pushing the lit up button at the lift that people are already waiting for in an almost defiant gesture of “Stand back! I know you’ve tried, but let the expert tackle this. I’ve pushed buttons before you know”  And that mental behaviour is rewarded, when seconds later the doors open, and as you watch everybody get on one by one you think “you’re welcome, you’re welcome, no – my pleasure, you’re welcome.”

Or scary crazy stuff like voting for Trump…or maybe not if you’re a white misogynistic racist  and molester of women! (Then you have a President that speaks your language. Just as long that language isn’t Spanish)

 

My mum’s crazy came in many forms, one of them being bargain hunting. “Guess what I just bought? It was £120 but it’s been reduced to just £50 – that’s a saving of £70!!!”  Now she was acting like someone had given her £70 and not that she just spent £50. “But Mum a bargain is only a bargain if you need it…” At that point mum said she had to go – a quick  “bye “and “love you” and she hastily put down the phone. I had no idea what the bargain even was!

 

I take a bite of my bacon sandwich just as crazy vegetable bother Morrissey (lead singer with the Smiths) comes on the radio. He seemed to be picking on me  in that condescending superior way  that I love so much (when he’s doing it to others).

 

1 :It seemed like a mocking musical critique of my latest attempt at humourous cards   That  Joke Isn’t Funny Any More

2 : Followed by a guilt ridden shaming when the radio DJ said
“And that’s from the Smiths’ second studio album, Meat is Murder.

 

I was conflicted at this point . I had the amazing taste of bacon in my mouth telling me “I died so you may enjoy me” and Morrissey now in my head telling me it’s murder.

Surely the the grumpy Northern songster is not suggesting I’m a killer?” At best I’m just  the getaway driver surely? But that pig did die for my consumption so I guess my non-involvement in it’s actual killing and my benefit by it’s actual death turns me in to a Godfather type mob boss that has sanctioned this swine based hit.

With one whisper in the ear of my Consigliere and Pinky & Perky would be sleeping with the fishes come nightfall …(if you were a child of the 80s, replace Pinky & Perky with Babe; the  90s – Peppa Pig and if you’re a child of the 2000s who gives a shit? You’re fucked anyway)

I put the sandwich down as the images of pigs being killed by hit men in a variety of ways run through mind like Laura Ingalls in a meadow at the beginning of Little House on the Prairie (always wanted to see that goody goody full flat on her face)…a man sits opposite a pig on a train. Minutes later, the train goes through a tunnel, the carriage is plunged into darkness. You hear  a muffled oink, the train exits the tunnel, the man has gone, the carriage jerks as it goes over points and the pig slumps onto it’s side revealing the blood and a knife.

 

A car drives out in to the desert and stops by a pre-dug hole or pit . A man gets out, opens the boot and pulls out a hog who been tied up and gagged with an apple. I’m not sure how the hog was tied but I’m sure there must be some kind of name for it. The hog is forced to kneel by the pit, which you then notice is full of glowing barbecue coals. The camera pulls back,  there’s a gun shot and the hog falls in the pit “Happy luau motherfucker” the hit man says before driving off.

At this point in a gangster movie there would be a montage of increasingly gruesome, gory and bloody crime scene photos . With Dean Martin singing How do you like your eggs in the morning in the background.The thought of this gore and bloodshed makes me push the plate away from me, stand up and walk away from the table…I need more tomato sauce.

 

I glug another dollop of sauce on to my bacon,in the aftermath of my imaginary pig massacre and realise this is one of my many forms of crazy… I could call it imagination and creativity in the same way the guy pushing the already pushed lift button could say it’s helpfulness and consideration.

 

And maybe my mum was just a good shopper .We are all crazy in many little ways .We have to be-  its what keeps us in sane in a mad world.Our own quirky crazy moments take the edge off of the harshness.

 

That’s why we can laugh in the face of adversity and tweak the nose of dread. We are not like square wooden blocks being pushed into round holes; we are whole trees that can’t be contained by  shapes,  round,  square or otherwise without ripping off our branches until all you are left with is a stick.
And I would take a tree over a stick any day. Our differences are what make us amazing – well,  some of us … not you Trump.

So in conclusion:
We are all crazy including (and especially) mums. I, it would seem,  according to a certain Northern singing  carrot molester, I am obviously a swine-opathic hog-icidal maniac.
And the only hole that we will all fit into is that last one.

 

If you have enjoyed my bacon based offering and are wondering what I would get away with on a greetings card, please visit our Etsy store

 

 

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