Of Tigers and Toast


This isn’t going to take too long…



Fuck you world, the universe and that prick science with your laws of physics and your gravity.



This may take longer…



I got to the end of a loaf of bread to find that what I thought was two slices of bread was in fact one thick crust, This is more common than the much fabled all-chocolate KitKat, but still a nice surprise.



My brain had already moved into calculation mode…first question was a no brainer, the answer  – toast!!!



Second question was more logistical, answer  – grill. Well, it was on the edge of being too big for the toaster) so I wasn’t going to risk it, been caught like that before.



It was a morning much like any other,except I had a meeting with greetings card firm and had to be at Euston station to catch my train by 9.30.  I had an uncut tiger loaf. Now the tiger can be tricky and unpredictable  (just ask Siegfried and Roy) but I was confident and prepared.






Armed with my best bread knife and trusted cutting board,  like my love making I went in quick and fast and before it knew what had happened, it was over (also just like my love making). I waited a while before doing it again and this time it lasted longer…I fought the urge to go to sleep (just like my … you get the drill) but gently cuddled the loaf back to the bread bin.



Furnished now with two slices I put the slightly skinnier of the two into the toaster first then inserted the second. I guessed that for a cold and not very good toaster I had T minus four minutes and counting.



I needed to get some stuff ready for my meeting so I left the kitchen. Six minutes had passed and I was still messing with my portfolio. I had assumed that my toast had launched without incident from the toaster then I heard the shriek peeping of an alarm.



I rushed into the kitchen to see the first sign of flames licking at my toast. I tried to rescue the thinner slice but the heat beat me back. I needed to extinguish the flames, the nature of the fire ruled out water.



I pulled the plug turning off the elements that were still glowing orange, then I blew into the toaster slot that was rammed with the the charred remains of what was once was a proud tiger slice.



Hot crumbs flew into my face and hair but the fire was extinguished. I needed to change  (I stunk of smoke and despair with a hint of bravery and a soupçon of hunger), I also needed to air out flat.



I glanced at the clock   “Euston we have a problem”






That was some time ago now. Since then I have perfected the art of toast making. Luke went to Yoda to learn the ways of The Force. If it had been toast making, he would have come to me. Made him carry me on his back,  I would have. Asda we would go, salt and pepper loaf we would have bought, yes.



Back to today…I placed the bread under the grill after giving it ample time to get to the optimum temperature. It browned quickly one side and in one fluid movement, like a well- trained Formula One pit crew, grill pan came out,  the toast was flipped and the grill pan went back 2.5 seconds and I was clear!



Meanwhile in a room not too far away the cat roused herself as she could hear food being prepared.



This was it. Toast had reached the perfect colour,  dark but not burnt. Out from under the grill and onto the worktop. The toast looked good …no low fat spread for this …only proper butter will do. The butter was soft and the knife cut through it like a knife through something soft.



I made tea while I watched the butter melt into the amazingly thick slice of bread and that’s when it happened.



I reached for my large mug (ironically my favourite one with Yoda on it the tea is strong in this one) but it slipped from my grasp due to my butter fingers and the butter on my fingers.



The world slowed down and became silent except for some classical music or maybe opera. I watched the cup spin slowly downwards expecting it to smash…but no! It hit the edge of the plate that the toast was on, catapulting it into the air also in slow motion.



I tried to stop it,  like a world class goalie springing into the air in an almost balletic way arching my back, stretching out and just tipping the ball over the post with his finger tips … but I was more Sunday League,  helping the ball on its way with a clumsy lunge.



But all was not lost. As it hit the ground and just lay there, the clouds parted and one beam of light shone through the blinds striking the toast and lighting it up in all it’s golden buttery goodness.



As we all know toast always falls butter side down. But not this time.  A true miracle. Far better and more compelling proof than the face of Jesus appearing on a miss shaped Doritos –  I was in the presence of the Father,  the Son and the Holy Toast.

In that split second I had found God, not in a book written by men or an old building built by men but by a true miracle, a divine act of pure kindness.



I looked into that shaft of light,  into the face of God and to bathe in it’s warmth and to give praise to…



It was at that moment that I noticed the cat licking the toast.



This won’t take long…



Fuck you God.





If you have enjoyed reading my toast based adventures, please take a moment out of your day to visit our Etsy shop and buy some cards, so in turn I can visit an actual shop and buy bread for more toast and lo! The happy cycle shall continue and verily I may enjoy the toast and you may enjoy the tales for days to come.


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